Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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