Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
