Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
