Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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