Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
