I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
