I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
