using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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