I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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