If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
