My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm lost and stupid without you.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
