Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
