marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
