Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
