i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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