I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My cat gives me a boner
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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