i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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