I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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