Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
