He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
