Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Where is the hickey?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
