Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
