tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
