question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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