Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
