I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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