More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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