please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
