I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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