32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
