i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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