At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
