I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
