you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
