My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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