just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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