You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
