So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
