She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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