maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
