Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
me + whiskey = a bad person
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
