Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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