I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
