Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
