the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
