Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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