I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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