sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
