buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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