So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
