I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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