the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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