i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
