her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
