i don't like sucking hair
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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