I looked at my own cervix.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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